“Come to me, you HACK, and I’ll show you what a REAL GERMAN is!!!” | Media and conflict | DW | 23.03.2021
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“Come to me, you HACK, and I’ll show you what a REAL GERMAN is!!!”

Excerpts from Mail from Karlheinz. By Hasnain Kazim

Karlheinz S. sent me the following message, along with his full address, on November 29, 2016 at 14:03:
Mr. Kazim, you are a MUCKRAKER who only THINKS AND WRITES ANTI-GERMAN things!!! I have never read anything sensible from you, never! You have real nerve, as a FOREIGNER to lecture us Germans in your arrogant tone. Come to me, you HACK, and I'll show you what a REAL GERMAN is!!!

My response on the same day at 17:25:
Dear Mr. S.,
Many thanks for your message! I'd be very happy to accept your offer to come and visit you. I happen to be vacationing with my family (grandparents, parents, siblings, three wives (the fourth couldn't come as she’s in hospital giving birth to our sixth child) eight children, 34 cousins and their 22 children) in your area, I would like to suggest Sunday, December 4, so we could celebrate Advent with you. We are all looking forward to learning from you about what it means to be a “real German”!
Warm regards,
Hasnain Kazim

Karlheinz S. writes on November 30, 2016 at 7:00:
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?

My response at 11:45:
Dear Mr. S.,
No, not at all, we are really in your area and very happy about your invitation! One small question though: As the whole family is coming, where could we park our buses? We’re traveling with two large coaches and I’m worried that we might not find a parking spot in XXX, as it seems to be a rather small town. Also, since we don't wish to be too much of a bother for you and your wife: tea and cookies are perfectly fine. We will bring cake, as well as three goats which we could slaughter in your garden. Do you happen to have a fire pit where we could grill them afterwards? Wives 1 and 2 are excellent at grilling, you'll be amazed!
Warm regards and see you soon!
Hasnain Kazim

Karlheinz S. writes at 13:07:
That was a joke!!!!! And anyways, we're not at home on Sunday!

My response at 19:50:
Dear Mr. S.,
Please don't worry. We'll just come by and ring the bell, then we can take it from there. It doesn't matter if you’re not home. We have a large tent with us. We could put it up in your garden and while we’re celebrating, we'll think of you and of Germany, and of course Advent. If you come home in the evening, you could just join the party!
Warm regards,
Hasnain Kazim
PS: Could you perhaps, before you leave your house, put out the garden hose, so that we can clean your garden after the Islamic slaughter?

Karlheinz S. writes on December 1, 2016 at 10:00:
I know you don't mean all of that. Very funny. I like your sense of humor.

My response on the same day at 14:06:
Mr. S.,
Since when do we Muslims have a sense of humor? You know yourself that we lack this trait! Why are you taking back your invitation, after writing to me that I should come visit you so I could learn what a REAL GERMAN is. Say what you like — we're coming! And we’re looking forward to it!
Warm regards,
Hasnain Kazim
PS: Have you remembered about the garden hose? I don’t want any trouble with my wives if we can't grill! And driving home with a hungry family? No fun!

Karlheinz S. writes at 15:15:
Dear Mr. Kazim,
I would like to apologize to you for my first mail!! I wasn't serious about you coming to visit me, and yes, I am often irritated by you! But I reacted rashly and I didn't mean it that way! Despite this, I wish you a nice Advent.

My response at 16:00:
Karlheinz, we're coming. Whether you want us or not! So get the garden hose ready!


Lothar L. sent me the following message on October 15, 2017:
You are on Angela Merkel's payroll, controlled by the government and the BND (Federal Intelligence Service)!!!! You would never write anything critical about Germany!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My response on November 1, 2017:
Dear Mr. L.,
Many thanks for your message dated October 15, 2017! Please excuse the late reply, but the BND had to first check your identity. Mrs. Merkel has now given me the green light to respond to you. The answer is: Your accusations are not helpful.
With kind regards,
Hasnain Kazim
– BND Media Liaison –

He answered me on November 2, 2017:

I wrote to him on November 4, 2017:
Dear Mr. L.,
Many thanks for your message dated November 2, 2017.
I have just checked my bank balance and concluded that I have not had any payments from the BND. I will send the BND an invoice, and name you as a witness to the fact that the BND owes me money.
As you have written to me, secure in the knowledge that I am being controlled by Mrs. Merkel and the BND, I am assuming that you will not have any problem with me passing your name, your email address and your IP address to the BND.
With kind regards, Hasnain Kazim
– Federal Chancellor's Office –

He wrote to me on November 9, 2017:

My response on November 10, 2017:
Dear Mr. L.,
Many thanks for your message dated November 9, 2017.
May I offer my respect and acknowledgement for the clever conclusion you have drawn. You are completely correct, the CIA is paying me. That's why I hadn't noticed that the BND hasn't paid anything yet. You got me! But please, please don't tell the BND that when you report me to them, ok? They don’t know that I'm working as a double agent. And just so I can save you more detective work: I also work for Mossad, the KGB, and the Taliban — whoever pays the most.
With kind regards, Hasnain Kazim
– Speaker, The White House –

Since I didn’t receive an answer, I wrote to him on November 14, 2017:
Hallo Mr. L.,
Clearly, you've been left speechless. But seriously, have you ever read anything I've written? Do you even read a respectable newspaper or online news site? Do you watch or listen to the news at all? Or do you just talk about the “state-controlled media” and accuse journalists of being on Merkel or someone else's payroll?
We journalists take a critical approach to all manner of topics. We disagree with each other, we discuss and we have different opinions. But there’s one thing that we're certainly not, and that's “state-controlled media,” paid by a government or intelligence agency. So please stop spreading this nonsense and instead educate yourself before you sit at your computer again to spew out such stupidity.
Hasnain Kazim

Lothar L. didn't write back. 

Kazim, Hasnain. 2018. Post von Karlheinz. München, Penguin Verlag.

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